I’ve been a bit quiet lately.
Despite the teachings of social media and SEO gurus I really like to write only when the authentic impulse is there. I can’t force these things or post on social media just for the sake of picking up a few extra ‘likes’. The impulse needs to be alive for the words to flow from the deepest form of authentic experience.
I’ve spent the last few months processing my co-dependancey patterns, my neediness and my judgement. I had a dear friendship breakdown and eventually be rebuilt. I stood in the face of blame as she processed the pain induced by the co-dependancy I brought into the light. I watched myself in my process. I held myself in moments of wanting to reach out to others. Held myself in a way I wasn’t used to. I was tender and gentle with myself. Allowing it all to come up….the toxic, filthy, needy, unconscious patterns I was holding in my system. And I loved myself.
I saw where my judgement of others was creating separation. Where my judgement was feeding my ego. Where my neediness was repelling….what was I not giving myself that I was trying to get from the outside. All of these things simmered away as I watched, allowed and I loved myself.
Clients stopped coming during this time. I received this gift of time with gratitude and held myself close.
I’ve harvested so many learnings from this process and I’ve consciously taken time to integrate. I’ve been working closely with our Integration Remedy and I can honestly say this process is one that has had the biggest impact in integration. I’m watching myself rise above others projecting their pain onto me and see it for what it is. Not mine. Holding love in my heart. I’ve let go of strings I was holding onto so tightly, in fear of losing love, but the love never goes. I’ve become more self sourcing, more self reliant and more loving of myself.
As a result my body is activated and my vibration is higher. New doors are opening. One chapter closes and another begins.
The deepest pain is the portal to growth. A cracking open to the core. Surrendering to the discomfort of the void. A shedding of yet another layer.
I watch with curiosity to see how these old patterns will show up anew in the months to come. Knowing I will be tested time and time again. Knowing sometimes I will fail and sometimes I will succeed.